Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Hey there! Hi there! Ho there! His bite contracts rabies!

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts,

Sorry for the delay in posting this, but the "pencil topper" I had won during my Raptor Captor training was MIA.

I expeditiously led an expedition into the various pockets of my fannypack, but I returned from said expedition... pencil-topless. After turning C.H.O.W. HQ upside down (and after a trip to the vet), it would be revealed to yours truly that... Crypto-Mutt had swallowed it. A few X-Rays, some liberal doses of laxative cocktails, and eventual scat-sifting would uncover the treasure for which I worked so diligently.

When I had quite finished dry-heaving, I identified the small plastic eraser-cozy with ease. It was/is none other than HICKEY THE VAMPIRE BAT ™, of course! His tiny made-in-China visage certainly sends me back to those Saturday mornings, basking in the glow of the family's monochromatic "interocitor", singing along, through my mouthful of nutritious Fudgenstein breakfast cereal.

"Who's the vermin o' the night that sucks on you and me?
H-I-C... K-E-Y... B... A... T!
Hey there! Hi there! Ho there! His bite contracts rabies!
H-I-C... K-E-Y... B... A... T!
Hickey Bat! (Trick or Treat!)
Hickey Bat! (Smell my feet!)
Forever let us be his food supply!
Open a vein, don't mind the stain, and join the "family".
H-I-C... K-E-Y... B... A... T!"

Scrump & Fugly's Bestest Beastly Bestiary B.S. #3

"Grape Ape ain't got nothin' on me!"

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

Behold! Bananaramera!

Ever the Clown Prince of Kaiju, Bananaramera can always be spotted sporting a toothy grin, whether he's firing off barely-articulate, yet highly enthusiastic, zingers at passerbys, or he's chowing down on a Kaiju-size-appropriate bowl of banana pudding.

"Where you let giant yellow gorilla scare commuters? Anywhere it wants... OOK OOK!"

The remedial contents of the gargantuan Yellorilla's jokes aren't always funny, or comprehensible for that matter (I'm sure not going to break the news to him), but it's ALL in the delivery, as hometown Skull Island's tourists and natives alike would agree. Most noteworthy... his primal guffaw (OOK!) is just so gosh darn infectious. Keep reaching for that comedy rainbow, you loveable galloot!

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

And so it is written... The Crypto Scout Law!

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

The Crypto Scout Motto is well known 'round these parts, but how versed are you in Crypto Scout Law?

A Crypto Scout is...

Curious, Stealthy, Patient, Alert, Compassionate, Respectful, Resolute, Thorough,

and of course...

I would NEVER presume to doubt the thoroughness of our troop's Founding Fathers (a Crypto Scout IS thorough) or the Scout Masters (and Master Monster Baiters) who have followed in their Bigfoot-steps, but I would like to offer some "food for thought", an amendment, if you will...

A Crypto Scout is (also):


Wear good running shoes. With plenty of traction. You heard it here first, dear readers. But nevertheless, Monster C.H.O.W. will do its best to keep YOU from becoming "Monster Chow".

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

Monday, September 21, 2009

Dodo, I've a feeling we're not on Mauritius Isle any more...

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

As you can see here, I volunteer some of my free time consoling extinct animals at the Camp Crypto Lake Wellness Center. Like many wiped-out species, the Dodo is especially sensitive about its fellow feathered family's unfortunate status.

Perhaps capturing a JubJub bird (a possible surviving relative) for a group session will help the lonely Dodo understand that his memory may live on (genetically AND in the history books). I've even tried recruiting the afflicted avian for a jolly caucus race to take his mind off the matter, without success.

Crypto Conservation is a top priority, but we should always be sympathetic towards an organism's Ending and try to council those who don't make the "Survival of the Fittest" cut. Won't you give just a bit of your time to an extinct species in need, during these emotional transitions?

I can only hope that the plump and flightless Raphus cucullatus will soon make peace with "going the way of the Dodo" (you'd think he would have seen it coming, considering the colloquialism).

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

Post-Script: FYI... Tasmanian wolves (AKA the Tasmanian Tiger AKA The Thylacine) do NOT like to be hugged. Or touched. Or stared at directly. Sending a sympathy card is the recommended consolation method for this particular "extinct" species.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Cryptid Compendium: Chupacabra

"Goat Sucker"


DESCRIPTION: Fangs, quills, red eyes. Accounts range from reptilian to canine, but ALWAYS ugly.

RELATIVES: Wile E. Coyote with mange?

CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Mucho caliente

REGION/S: Puerto Rico, Mexico, South Western U.S.

FREQUENCY: A PLETHORA of sightings from '95 to present

ORGANIZATION: A cadre of Chupacabras? A cartel perhaps?



DIET: Tex-Mex goat (cabra) blood (sangre)

EVIDENCE: Dead livestock, potential Chupa corpses, eye witness accounts

SPECIAL ATTACKS: Claw/claw/bite, goat draining

SPECIAL DEFENSES: Quills, having a name that is hard to pronounce and/or spell, the ability to outrun the Border Patrol in a single bound

SIZE: Not so grande...

XP VALUE: Uno merit badge



Tuesday, September 15, 2009

"I'll Huff and I'll Puff..."

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

I have been receiving more critiques from my "#1 fan", the so-called "WereLOLf". I'll let his own words speak for themselves... er... for him... for himself... Well, just take a look!

Dearest Crypto-Scout,
I hope this letter finds you well... because when I get around to eviscerating you and then urinating on your steaming guts (so my kin are aware that your guts belong to ME), I want you in tip-top condition. Evisceration (and the subsequent territory-marking) is much more satisfying that way.

You may think that I hadn't noticed the defamatory footnote at the tail of
a recent blog entry, but (pause for "traumatic" effect)... I DID! Still convinced I'm imaginary, eh? FOOL! You won't think of me as a mere hoax after I unleash my army of lycanthropes upon the human-choked Earth (AKA "RAWR-mageddon"). Please find the included polaroids. A special sneak preview, if you will. A sneak preview of my vengeful plot against YOU and all who doubt the existence of The Brotherhood.

But especially YOU.

I HOPE you dislike being eviscerated and urinated upon...
*The WereLOLf

PS: You may be wondering why I would GROW an army instead of infecting your fellow hairless apes with The Curse of the WereLOLf. The answer's simple, if a tad embarrassing. Your libelous anti-WereLOLf ravings have triggered a deep dark depression within my deep dark soul. I'm a binge-eater and often self-medicate with my favorite comfort foods. Currently, I lack the self-control to grant my victims mercy (and thus, Transformation) and never leave leftovers post-attack (waste not...).

There's the rub. No survivors... no WereLOLf horde at my command.


My "END is near"? Are the WereLOLfs planning to sniff my rear-end? Doesn't sound too threatening. Annoying, sure. Apparently this "hoax" needs a lesson in personal space.

I'll keep you posted, faithful Scouts, when (not if) the "WereLOLf" surfaces again. Once the "crazies" come out of the woodwork and find a venue for their attention-hungry egos, they don't tend to stay too quiet. Am I right?

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout


Sunday, September 13, 2009

Open up, and there I go? Part 1

Ahoy Crypto-Scouts!

I've been submitting articles to the GEEKY & FREAKY World News WEEKLY for quite some time... without any luck. As a matter of fact, my unfailing ability to collect rejection letters (courtesy of their editorial staff) is one of the reasons why Monster C.H.O.W. exists. I have to get this important data to the public somehow!

With that said... I have FINALLY made the front page, just not in the way that I had wished. It seems the G&F "writers" have been fabricating stories about yours truly. Not just tall tales, but twisting my scoops into bold-faced LIES!

Taking preemptive measures, I am forced to defend my field survival abilities before my readers fear the worst. Readers, fear not! I am obviously UNeaten, as I am communicating this Crypto-Log to you presently (no internet connection within the bowels of hippopotami, you see). Exactly what I WAS doing near and around that river beast's maw will be revealed in due time.

Until then... Cryptically yours (and still undigested),
*The Crypto-Scout


Thursday, September 3, 2009

Scrump & Fugly's Party@Ground(Monster)Zero #1

Your favorite Blog Boogeys present a... POP QUIZ!!!

The CREATURE from the Haunted Sea (watch his biopic HERE) is experiencing...?

A] Shock and Disgust. He does NOT approve of PDA.
B] Jealous Rage. That's HIS make-out buddy!
C] Sour Grapes. Why wasn't he asked to join in?
D] Loneliness with just a pinch of Regret and a dash of Bitterness. Hold the Self-Respect.
E] Hunger. Watching others suck face always fires up his desire to kill and eat (or is it "eat and kill"?)!
F] Ocular Rupture.

The Answer?

G] Beats me. I don't have a psych degree. Do YOU, you judgmental presumptuous Busy-Body? Get over yourself and leave the poor Monster alone to wallow in his... well, WHATEVER he's wallowing in... It's none of MY business.