Sunday, August 30, 2009

Raptor Captor? Negative. Still the Crypto-Scout...

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

A Crypto-Scout always needs to stay sharp and keep his/her skills finely tuned. Obviously, in-field action is the preferred method for skill-tuning/sharpening, but there's nothing wrong with an occasional challenging SIMULATION... especially if the Cryptids are particularly surreptitious (and by the very definition of "cryptozoology", it's the "nature of the beast").

I had pinpointed such a training device in a local recreational facility, where many other trainees were testing their various abilities. After determining that "Skee-Ball" had very little practical application in my field, I approached a machine labeled "RAPTOR CAPTOR" with cautious determination. I do discover extinction-dodging living dinos fairly frequently on my expeditions. What safer way to prepare for the distinguishable (AND distinguished) dangers of prehistoric peril than to capture a virtual specimen, under controlled circumstances?

My first stumbling block would be to navigate the convoluted tuition for my training. No hefty student loans were required luckily, but I was forced to exchange my perfectly good U.S. of A. currency for "tokens" that I was to insert into the device's receptacle. These tokens, then in turn, purchased X number of "balls". Wait, it gets MORE Daedalean! When/if I successfully complete my lessons, the machine would then eject an earned amount of "tickets" (or so I was told). These "tickets" could then be traded in for what? My certificate of completion? Transcripts? ANOTHER form of currency? I was beginning to think this was some sort of underground money-laundering operation.

I won't get into my final score here. But, needless to say, very few Raptors were captured that day (in my defense, they ARE highly intelligent AND organized reptiles). My $20 had eventually transformed into a modest handful of tickets that I was able to trade in for a trophy, of sorts. It was clearly not a Raptor, but the young lady behind the counter, with the unfortunate orthodontal appliances, did mention that the small plastic effigy I procured could be placed on the top of my writing implement/s.

"Pencil Topper" is what she called it, IIRC. "Isn't it cute?"

You might question the effort and money spent. But cryptozoology is not a vocation for the easily frustrated. Results are not always guaranteed, regardless of skill-level. I justify the $20 as a valuable educational experience, preparing me for future merit badges and title addendums... and most importantly, personal knowledge and further advancements in Cryptid Conservation. Besides, I EARNED that "Pencil Topper". Broke a sweat even.

I'll be leaving the title of "Raptor Captor" to the professionals and will remain MERELY (not that there's anything wrong with that) "Crypto-Scout" for another day. Maybe I'll fair better at Off-Road Velociraptor Safari!

Cryptically (and perpetually) yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

Post-Script: A photograph of my prize is forth-coming. Stand by!
Update! HERE it is!


Thursday, August 27, 2009

Squatch Watch: The More You Know!

Ahoy Crypto Scouts!

Sad news, faithful readers... My photographs did not win "Best in Show" at the Annual Camp Crypto Lake SQUATCH WATCH. That honor would go to my colleague, El Crypto, whose self-portrait (in oils) of himself punching a Gigantopithecus in the face took home the blue ribbon (his use of color and composition WAS impeccable). But after drowning my sorrows in Jersey-Deviled eggs, I did learn a valuable lesson, courtesy of the gala's very own mascot...

SQUATCHY the Sasquatch!

Thanks, Squatchy! You always know just the right thing to say. :)

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Believing the strangest things... but < 3 the Alien?

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

Designating a visitor from the stars "Friend or Foe" is NOT an easy endeavor. Some are benevolent, some are mysterious, and some want nothing more than to vaporize us off this 3rd rock from the sun. Documentary film-maker, Steven Allan Spielberg, studied Extra Terrestrial diversity in depth and believed it was paramount to warn us all of the truth (it IS out there...). Not all space-travellers want to befriend small boys and/or munch on the deliciously unmistakable Reese's Peanut Butter taste in a tasty, crunchy candy shell.

I'm in no way arguing for intergalactic profiling or invader internment camps, but just because an alien (illegal or no) is waving Old Glory in his tentacle while telepathically "whistling" the Star Spangled Banner via the collective's hive-mind, NEVER forget the immortal words of Fox Mulder's cryptic contact, Deep Throat...

"Trust No One."

Cryptically Yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

"Please, I like America! Fancy schmancy! What a cinch! Go fly a kite! Cat got your tongue! Hill of beans! Betty Boop, what a dish. Betty Grable, nice gams... I say can you see!"


Monday, August 24, 2009

Cryptid Compendium: Mothman

AKA: Blood Beast From Hell, Indrid Cold (Note: look into "Arthur" and/or
"Byron Lewis" as well)

CLASSIFICATION: Isn't "Moth" & "Man" self-explanatory?

DESCRIPTION: Glowing red eyes, wings, reeeeal scary


CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Porch lights, closets

REGION/S: Point Pleasant, WV

FREQUENCY: Rare & usually just prior to a disaster

ORGANIZATION: Oh, I sure hope not...

# APPEARING: 1 (duh... it's MothMAN, not MothMEN)


DIET: Musty old coats, wallet contents, blood?

EVIDENCE: Eye witness accounts

SPECIAL ATTACKS: Instilling dread, harbingering, prank phonecalls, confusing Richard Gere

SPECIAL DEFENSES: Flying away like a Moth Outta Hell

SIZE: M (bigger than a moth, smaller than a Mothra)

XP VALUE: 1 merit badge

MOTHBALLS? I respect his privacy...


"In ancient cultures, the moth represents a form of the psyche, or the soul immortally trapped in the hellish death realms." - Alexander Leek

"There has got to be a scientific explanation to this!" - Dana Scully


Sunday, August 23, 2009

Saturday, August 22, 2009

The CAP'N makes it HAPPEN...

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

If there's one thing I've discovered during my years of monster-hunting, there are few ghouls more pestilential than the Vampyr. They rise from their tombs to suck the blood of the living, spreading disease, death, sin, and chaos itself. It just so happens that Buccaneers are also dealers of disease, death, sin, and chaos (I see "plunder" and "rape" are on the resume as well). Put the two together and you've got one scurvy undead BrundleFly of nastiness...


Isn't that right, CAP'N COUNT?

"Drink BLOOD me 'earties, YO HO!"

What a charmer.

Remember, my faithful Scouts... Walk softly and carry a BIG crucifix.
Prepared. Never scared.

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

CRYPTO-TIP! Keep your good eye peeled. Some Vampyrates can be impaled with their very own peg legs!

Note: Not to be mistaken with "Vampirates", which CLEARLY (like some other hoaxes I know) do NOT exist.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Squatch Watch: Best in Show?

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

Although I am certain my photographic evidence of alleged Sasquatch sightings won't earn me a merit badge (I lack physical substantiation like a hair sample or footprint casting) at the upcoming Annual Camp Crypto Lake SQUATCH WATCH, I'm gunning for a Best In Show, or at the very least, an Honorable Mention.

I would ask my loyal readers to wish me luck, but a Crypto Scout is ever "Prepared. Never Scared." Still wouldn't hurt if good ol' Br'er Jackalope was in my corner though, watching over things. If nothing else, there will be free food! I hope they have those Jersey-Deviled eggs this year...

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout


Saturday, August 15, 2009

And you will know my name is The Bandersnatch, when I lay my frumiousness upon thee!

Ahoy Crypto Scouts,

Here be Monsters! O frabjous day! I had ventured off on a JubJub-Bird-watching excursion, and was fortunate enough to capture (on film, that is) other rare organisms which inhabit the Mischief Maker's fragile ecosystem.

The Momerath: I caught a brief glimpse of this timid fellow. The Momerath is skittish, but still manages to produce litters of uncountable numbers. "Uncountable" because the Momerath whelps are constantly squirming/swarming over each other and into the corners of their nest in an attempt to hide, rendering an accurate census nigh impossible. I was able to record this particular specimen outgrabing (but only briefly), before the area's apex predator came galumphing our way.

The Frumious Bandersnatch: The Bandersnatch is an omnivorous eating-machine with a gaping maw and an equally gaping appetite. Momeraths shun (and wisely so) these fuming and furious beasties. In addition to keeping the Momerath population in check (and anything else they can devour), the Bandersnatch adores snacking on the Borogrove blossom, found only on the bushes of Borogove groves.

The Jabberwock: Alas, remains hidden from my vigilance. Long time the manxome "foe" I've sought.

Callooh! Callay!
Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout


Monday, August 10, 2009

Crypto-Spotlight: Robert Kenneth Wilson, DINO-GYNO.

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

I wanted to shed some light on a bit of crypto-trivia. The most famous photograph of The Loch Ness Monster, also known as the "The Surgeon's Photo" (taken in 1934), was the handiwork of a London doctor, Robert Kenneth Wilson. Some believe the evidence to be a hoax, a ruse, a sham (poppycock, I say!), but most people aren't aware of an important fact... Dr. Wilson was a GYNECOLOGIST.

Now, I theorize that Dr. Wilson wasn't just a lucky duck/quack taking a candid "once in a lifetime" photo. No, sir. I believe that Nessie had just left her yearly exam. Was she expecting? Was she suffering from a "beast infection"? Did the "Dino Gyno" have stirrups specifically lake-monster-flipper-sized? I couldn't say. I respect Nessie's privacy.

Well, unless I happen to be the next "lucky duck" with a camera handy. ;)

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

What do you call Nessie after waiting in the gynecologist's office for too long?
A Plesio-SORE-ASS.

Receptionist: Doctor, there's an invisible lake monster in the waiting room.
Doctor: Tell her I can't see her.

What do you get when the Loch Ness Monster menstruates?
Out of the way!

Note: I'm soooooo sorry. Those Blog Boogeys won't leave my research alone after all. They just had to turn my important(!) scientific investigation into a "both feet in the gutter" free-for-all, didn't they? Desperate measures are required post-haste!

*The Crypto-Scout


Friday, August 7, 2009

Scrump & Fugly's Bestest Beastly Bestiary B.S. #1

Note: No, Crypto-Scouts, I did NOT give the Blog Boogeys their own column. They figured out a way to create blog posts (and distasteful blog posts, may I add) without any help from me. I just hope this means they'll stay out of MY personal Crypto-Logs for now... at least until I can figure out how to be rid of them. :(

Apologetically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout


From "Crotch-Hound" to "Squatch-Hound"!

Ahoy Crypto Scouts!

Meet the latest addition to the "Odd Squad" family... CRYPTO-MUTT! Through a thorough training regiment, I've been able to redirect his personal-space-intruding groin-investigations into a formidable monster-tracking proficiency. Crypto-Mutt's retrieval skills are uncanny, but I've yet to figure out how to quell his killer instinct/s.

I'm not sure if he'll be ready for my expedition to Camp Crypto Lake. The Lake Monster that resides there, "Cryptie", is ALREADY an endangered species.

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

Post-Script: Crypto-Mutt says "Urf!"