Let's just hope they don't trample the community center in the process...
Gnome Sweet Gnome? Hardly.
Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!
Could my seething hatred for the wee beasties stem from my allergy to fungus? It's doubtful. They're tumor-like malignancy is all the reason I need. When there's no more room in Hell, the Gnomes will sprout up in our lawns & gardens, and taunt us quietly from their "stationary" positions. Think I'm a paranoid whistle-blower or an intolerant Gnome-basher? Fools. Watch this newly unearthed docu-horror to witness the unimaginable Evil yourself...
Consider yourself warned.
*The Crypto-ScoutPost-Script: Stay tuned for future Crypto-Logs, exhibiting some of the evil Gnome specimens I've captured, and detailing the Lawn/Garden Gnomes variously evil subspecies, evil motives, and equally evil feeding methods. Evil!
After their features and function fully form, the Gnomes secrete a mucusy coating all over their epidermis. This quickly hardens and encases them in a protective exo-skeleton/cocoon/cookie crust, or what I like to refer to as their "pupal stage". How they end up in marketplaces, ready for purchase and transport (and eventual "hatching") is still a mystery. A mystery I hope to solve... and soon. The world needs to know, before it's TOO LATE.
"Look, you fools. You're in danger. Can't you see? They're after you. They're after all of us. Our wives, our children, everyone. They're here already. YOU'RE NEXT!" - Dr. Miles J. Bennell
Normally seen on Monster Island off the coast of Japan, or stomping through the streets of Tokyo, KARAOKEGON was spotted on American soil by yours truly (a World Tour perhaps?). I snapped these photos during one of his ear-shattering solo performances. To us puny humans, the behemoth's call may sound like contruction equipment smashing into each other, but to his fellow KAIJU, it's a toe-tapping good time. AND he doesn't even need a microphone!
"A shadow from the sky, much too big to be a bird... A screaming crashing noise, louder than I've ever heard..." - WAS (NOT WAS)
Long-time fan, first-time writer.I will make a feast of your entrails! I'm getting ahead of myself. Pardon my enthusiasm. I will elucidate. Ahem... In one of your recent blog entries (which are fabulously illuminating BTW... LOVE them), you demonstrated skepticism in the existence of my fellow bipedal canid brethren. I assure you, we DO in fact exist, and there WILL be a day of reckoning for your insolent propaganda against The Brotherhood!
I WILL make a feast of your entrails,
Let me see if I grok your meaning... A cryptid must be discovered by YOU in order for them to EXIST??? Your insolence is only exceeded by your arrogance. And what do you mean "your kind"? I find your use of condescending quotation marks downright infuriating. And insulting. AND possibly even RACIST.
I'll save your wicked tongue for LAST,
My New Arch-Nemesis,
Personal attacks! Does your insensitivity know no bounds??? Consider yourself on THE LIST. The "Disembowelment? Check YES or NO" list. I'll let you agonize over which of the two possibilities I will choose. And NOW, I will let you agonize over the FACT that I will check "YES"! This is only the beginning of the agony that you will suffer. Expect another dissatisfied letter from me in the near future. I will not warn you WHEN to expect it either. Agonize over THAT as well.
P.S. I have purposefully left off my trademark "hugs & kisses" so you know that we are no longer busom buddies. Also, I'm seriously considering ordering a Three-Wolf-Moon shirt, so my wolfen power will be increased CUBICALLY. Beware the Curse of the WereLOLf!
Please forgive the hot chocolate stains. I was burning the midnight oil (as it were) compiling this exciting data for YOU, my loyal readers and fellow crypto-enthusiasts. As you can see, in the above photograph, there is a large avian claw-print in the dry earth. My foot is featured alongside for size comparison.
After I spent some time searching for this yet unidentified cryptid, I set up several of my Crypto-Cams in order to capture more visual evidence. I chose my camera-trap locations carefully, based on probable fauna traffic and the presence of additional "chicken scratch" in the immediate vicinity. I was soon rewarded for my efforts! But nothing would prepare me for the rare and BIZARRE footage I would later gather...
No human walks like that. Well, maybe at wedding receptions...
Was it some sort of Chick-anthrope or other type of WereFowl (an anagram of wereWOLF... curiouser & curiouser)? Was it some prehistoric missing link, like the Archaeopteryx, held over from a bygone era? Is "ChickenMan" too generic of a moniker for this prodigious pecker (I propose "MegaCock" or "CockZilla")? Does MegaCock, like everything else, taste like chicken? And if so, what IS the Colonel's secret recipe? What came first, CockZilla or the egg? Why did the Fowlociraptor cross the road? Stay tuned for answers to these perplexing questions and/or even more perplexer questions here at Monster C.H.O.W.
Post-Script: I propose the Crypto Scouts adopt a new merit badge in honor of my recent findings. If they do, it will be my first official patch, as I still haven't passed the test for that elusive Robot Apocalypse Readiness award. :(