No Gnome is good Gnome.

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

I have a very serious matter to address with you today, my faithful readers and recruits. Very few are aware of the ominous threat looming about our communities, our homes. A danger so insidious, the unknowing individual is completely unaware of just how dangerously insidious the insidious danger actually is.

I'm referring to... LAWN GNOMES.

Lawn Gnomes (or Garden Gnomes) are neither animal, mineral, or vegetable. The spring up out of the ground in the shape of stalagmites, mushrooms, gnotty roots, or other small naturally-occurring formations. This is what I like to refer to as their "larval stage". Luckily, the gestating Gnome's cuspidate cranium has taken shape at this "point" (get it?) in their development and their wicked facial features have already started to burst forth, making themselves somewhat recognizable to the trained eye...

^ More often than you would think, conjoined Gnomes will develop simultaneously. If the more dominant one doesn't absorb the other, they will grow into what appears to be two distinct creatures. In reality, they function as a single organism, giving the appearance of Gnome sweethearts or co-gardeners. Twice the evil!

^ One of the Gnome's many weapons is its hideous shriek. The unnatural sound is used to inflict terrible pain on its victims, and to paralyze and hypnotize weaker forest fauna, who are forced to carry out the Gnome's bidding.

^ The wizened expression, gentle features, and grandfatherly facial hair seems to be a product of evolutionary design. Folklore and blessed holiday traditions have conditioned humans across the globe to trust a white beard and red hat. The Gnome uses this innocent and sweet camouflage to its advantage, as it waits patiently for the right moment to FEED.

After their features and function fully form, the Gnomes secrete a mucusy coating all over their epidermis. This quickly hardens and encases them in a protective exo-skeleton/cocoon/cookie crust, or what I like to refer to as their "pupal stage". How they end up in marketplaces, ready for purchase and transport (and eventual "hatching") is still a mystery. A mystery I hope to solve... and soon. The world needs to know, before it's TOO LATE.

Cryptically yours,

*The Crypto-Scout

"Look, you fools. You're in danger. Can't you see? They're after you. They're after all of us. Our wives, our children, everyone. They're here already. YOU'RE NEXT!" - Dr. Miles J. Bennell

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