Monster CHOW

When there's no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the strip malls.

2009-10-24T23:10:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

While investigating a reported disturbance, it became eerily clear why a certain "Big Box" electronics retailer is in the process of closing all of their locations. As I witnessed the forces of evil enter and exit, I wondered if the corporation knew beforehand that they had erected every one of their stores directly above a Gateway to Hell (AKA a "HellGate" AKA a "HellMouth")?

What am I saying? Of course they did.

I took a quick look beyond the portal, and came to the realization that even though I was always prepared, I was not THAT prepared to deal with a mass hysteria of this twinkie-analogy-worthy magnitude. As soon as I gather together a special amulet, Van Helsing's diary (cross-referencing the architecture chapter in Tobin's Spirit Guide of course), a virgin to read said diary, and a scary German guy to help with pronunciation, I shall return to banish!

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout
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Scrump & Fugly's Bestest Beastly Bestiary B.S. #4

2009-10-23T20:46:00.000-07:00

Man's Best Mutant? The Doctor is IN... SANE!

2009-10-22T19:58:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

I was quite and utterly taken aback when I received a certain picture postcard in the mail receptacle. It would appear that my female sibling has been experimenting on her bulgy-eyed lap warmers and created... ABOMINATIONS.

I was not aware that my sister had moved to a remote island and developed a fondness for genetic engineering and species splicing. I immediately contacted her via the Crypto-Communicator and gave her a piece of my still-reeling (yet, EVER prepared) mind. I was rebuffed. She expeditiously notified me that she is, in fact, disgusted with my "research, if you can call it that" and my "childish ravings" and that I "should get out more". I told her that I was disgusted with her own hobbies ("playing God", cross-stitch, etc)... but especially her casserole (if you can call it that). It'll NEVER be as good as Grandmother's.

She hung up on me.

The only thing left to do is name the poor little bastards.

Say "Well met!" to:
"PRUGSTACEAN"
and
"TEENAGE MUTIE NINJAPURGLE"

And remember:
"Not to go on all-Fours... THAT is the LAW."
Cryptically Yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

PURGLE POWER!!!
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Ghouls Gone Wild!

2009-10-21T23:55:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

Feast your eyes on the World Premiere(!) of GHOULS GONE WILD's new Monster Mash smash hit, "Dead Girls Don't Say NO".

And remember... Aim for the head. It's the only way to kill a Rock Star of the "walking dead" persuasion. Well, besides a plane crash. Or choking on their own vomit.

But that's not important right nowRELOAD! RELOAD!

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout
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Crypto Spotlight: The Woeful Ballad of El Crypto

2009-10-20T22:11:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

I have had the pleasure of meeting many Monster Hunters over the years, but none as dedicated, as daring, and as dressed-to-kill (the senoritas just ADORE him) as EL CRYPTO.

We were Little Bigfeet bunk mates during our summers at Camp Crypto Lake. We'd practice our foot-print casting, spend hours listening to the hypnotic beep of a Crypto-Sonar, and quiz each other in preparation for our Crypto Scout badge exams (HE had a plethora). But our days of building popsicle and macaroni Jackalope hutches were over all too quickly.

El Crypto's famous fellow-luchador brother and champion of the ring, OCCULTO, had been killed under mucho mysterious circumstances. Tragico! The messy remains and surrounding evidence left behind seemed to implicate that an unidentified Monster was the perpetrator. Vowing revenge, my masked camp companion abandoned his oath to protect the unknown creatures beyond science's limited understanding and instead swore to pursue an illustrious career in Monster-Punching.

Our paths do still cross on occasion. And every so often, I receive a postcard from some exotic location, heralding the exploits of El Crypto's latest conquest (in the arena, in the wild, and/or in the boudoir). The senoritas still adore him more than ever, but I'm sorry to say that MY admiration for the Romancero has diminished since he's taken up this rage-blinded crusade of violent retribution. Come back to the troop, El Crypto. The field of cryptozoology needs your special lucha libre powers, now more than ever.

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout
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Harry Poacher and the Aphrodisiac of Ground Hippogriff Hoof

2009-10-19T06:24:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

The illegal stealing, smuggling, and selling of rare animals on the worldwide black market is a multi-billion dollar business. 2nd only to drugs and arms dealing. Therefore, it's no big surprise that the rarest of our world's "hidden animals" would fetch a pretty penny and attract the skeeviest of crypto-poachers...

Witches and Wizards.

They keep live cryptids as familiars once in a blue moon, but customarily strip the poor beasts of useful parts and organs like some Alchemical "chop shop". These bits then become ingredients in any number of powerful salves, balms, and potions or a key component to some dastardly spell. The most unusual species will wind up as delicacies on secret Black Mass menus. The sorcerers even have a merry tune they whistle while they go about their wicked work. Disgusting. As a Crypto-Conservationist, I feel it's our duty to stop the black market cryptid trade and turn these Practitioners of the Dark Arts, these "Merchants of Death", over to "the system". The digestive system of the nearest obliging dragon, that is.

As I am ever alert, I happened upon an establishment (see below) whose facade did very little to mask its true purposes.

When I leaped through the door (which had magically opened before me) with my judgmental pointer finger cocked and ready to point, my suspicions were NOT vindicated. The shop-keepers must have caught wind of my impromptu raid from the Spirit Realm, or foresaw it in a scrying stone. No pickled cockatrice waddle. No venomous wyvern venom. No lucky jackalope feet.

Like the Prohibition speakeasies of the 20s, this "gift" market must have been an innocent front for more criminal activity... BEHIND-the-scenes. However, I failed to extract any damning confessions from the Apprentices stocking shelves, no matter what amazing numeral I rolled on my trusty D20 or how much intimidation my posture and tone displayed (trust me). I did garner quite a few odd looks from patron and employee alike though. The guilt was ALL over their faces.

No butchered cryptid horn, pelt, or gall bladders sold here (not in the open anyway), but I did spot a teeny frog mariachi band and some clams with googly eyes fastened to their shells. No doubt victims of some warlock's "Spell of Freezing" and "Spell of Eyes,Googly", respectively. This location is going on my Watch List nevertheless.

For the sake of all monsters (protected by official law or no), keep your Scout eyes peeled and report all suspicious activity to your local troop leader... or local Witchfinder General.

Cryptically speaking,
*The Crypto-Scout

Lyrics | Red Buttons - Every Little Piece lyrics

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Luck be a Mothman tonight!

2009-10-18T20:34:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

The image you see above is one I was LUCKY enough to capture while taking out the trash. I believe the evidence speaks for itself, but in case you are not familiar with all Beasties (great and small) who inhabit the Cryptid Compendium, it should soon become perfectly clear (especially when I TELL you momentarily) that yours truly had a close encounter with... The Mothman! Why was the terrifying harbinger with his eyes all a'glow lurking around MY garage of all places? Was it trying to warn me of some forthcoming calamity? Could I be in some sort of mortal peril? Are the robots/zombies/apes finally taking over? Will my Crypto-DVR fail to record the new installment of Nickelodeon's The Troop? The reason behind Mothman's presence would reveal itself later that FATEful evening...

After sorting my recycling (a Crypto Scout is ever respectful to the environment), I made my way to the curb, alert and prepared for disaster. And that's where it happened. That is the very place where Disaster reared its whiskered head! Like some sort of 4-legged CAT-astrophe incarnate, the fluffiest and blackest Halloween Cat I had ever seen came gallivanting across my driveway. Knowing what kind of Bad Luck it would mean if I let this trespassing feline cross my path, I dove for the bushes. Forget broken mirrors or walked-under ladders. Mothman paid a visit earlier with his high-beam gaze to WARN me for sure. Had it not have been for the prophetic Mothman's harbingering, I may have been cursed indefinitely by this carousing (and sort of cute in an "Evil Omen" kind of way) Evil Omen. Or at the very least, suffered a SEVERE allergy attack.

It took me quite some time to locate all the empty Mountain Dew cans strewn across my yard, but my Luck was intact for yet one more day. Thanks, Mothman, for the heads up. You're a life/luck-saver! The Crypto-Scout's own personal Guardian Angel. You can harbinge in my direction ANYTIME!

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

Post-script: Fortunately, Crypto-Mutt did not witness the events. Although fearless in the face of the most exotic monsters, he's deathly afraid of felines. A "scaredy cat", as it were.

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IT's a good time for the great taste of... EVIL!

2009-10-03T21:37:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

Upon hearing some strange music coming from a neighborhood storm drain on a nearby Dead End street, I decided to grab my Crypto-Cam and investigate. Here is the unsettling footage (and even more unsettling audio) which I have gathered. Prepared to be... unsettled. What is IT exactly? Listen closely, and YOU be the judge...

Hey there! Hi there! Ho there! His bite contracts rabies!

2009-09-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts,

Sorry for the delay in posting this, but the "pencil topper" I had won during my Raptor Captor training was MIA.

I expeditiously led an expedition into the various pockets of my fannypack, but I returned from said expedition... pencil-topless. After turning C.H.O.W. HQ upside down (and after a trip to the vet), it would be revealed to yours truly that... Crypto-Mutt had swallowed it. A few X-Rays, some liberal doses of laxative cocktails, and eventual scat-sifting would uncover the treasure for which I worked so diligently.

When I had quite finished dry-heaving, I identified the small plastic eraser-cozy with ease. It was/is none other than HICKEY THE VAMPIRE BAT ™, of course! His tiny made-in-China visage certainly sends me back to those Saturday mornings, basking in the glow of the family's monochromatic "interocitor", singing along, through my mouthful of nutritious Fudgenstein breakfast cereal.

"Who's the vermin o' the night that sucks on you and me?
H-I-C... K-E-Y... B... A... T!
Hey there! Hi there! Ho there! His bite contracts rabies!
H-I-C... K-E-Y... B... A... T!
Hickey Bat! (Trick or Treat!)
Hickey Bat! (Smell my feet!)
Forever let us be his food supply!
BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!
Open a vein, don't mind the stain, and join the "family".
H-I-C... K-E-Y... B... A... T!"

Scrump & Fugly's Bestest Beastly Bestiary B.S. #3

2009-09-29T19:57:00.000-07:00

"Grape Ape ain't got nothin' on me!"

2009-09-29T19:18:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

Behold! Bananaramera!

Ever the Clown Prince of Kaiju, Bananaramera can always be spotted sporting a toothy grin, whether he's firing off barely-articulate, yet highly enthusiastic, zingers at passerbys, or he's chowing down on a Kaiju-size-appropriate bowl of banana pudding.

"Where you let giant yellow gorilla scare commuters? Anywhere it wants... OOK OOK!"

The remedial contents of the gargantuan Yellorilla's jokes aren't always funny, or comprehensible for that matter (I'm sure not going to break the news to him), but it's ALL in the delivery, as hometown Skull Island's tourists and natives alike would agree. Most noteworthy... his primal guffaw (OOK!) is just so gosh darn infectious. Keep reaching for that comedy rainbow, you loveable galloot!

Cryptically yours,

*The Crypto-Scout

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And so it is written... The Crypto Scout Law!

2009-09-23T15:02:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

The Crypto Scout Motto is well known 'round these parts, but how versed are you in Crypto Scout Law?

A Crypto Scout is...

Curious, Stealthy, Patient, Alert, Compassionate, Respectful, Resolute, Thorough,

and of course...

I would NEVER presume to doubt the thoroughness of our troop's Founding Fathers (a Crypto Scout IS thorough) or the Scout Masters (and Master Monster Baiters) who have followed in their Bigfoot-steps, but I would like to offer some "food for thought", an amendment, if you will...

A Crypto Scout is (also):

LIVE BAIT

Wear good running shoes. With plenty of traction. You heard it here first, dear readers. But nevertheless, Monster C.H.O.W. will do its best to keep YOU from becoming "Monster Chow".

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout
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Dodo, I've a feeling we're not on Mauritius Isle any more...

2009-09-21T20:21:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

As you can see here, I volunteer some of my free time consoling extinct animals at the Camp Crypto Lake Wellness Center. Like many wiped-out species, the Dodo is especially sensitive about its fellow feathered family's unfortunate status.

Perhaps capturing a JubJub bird (a possible surviving relative) for a group session will help the lonely Dodo understand that his memory may live on (genetically AND in the history books). I've even tried recruiting the afflicted avian for a jolly caucus race to take his mind off the matter, without success.

Crypto Conservation is a top priority, but we should always be sympathetic towards an organism's Ending and try to council those who don't make the "Survival of the Fittest" cut. Won't you give just a bit of your time to an extinct species in need, during these emotional transitions?

I can only hope that the plump and flightless Raphus cucullatus will soon make peace with "going the way of the Dodo" (you'd think he would have seen it coming, considering the colloquialism).

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

Post-Script: FYI... Tasmanian wolves (AKA the Tasmanian Tiger AKA The Thylacine) do NOT like to be hugged. Or touched. Or stared at directly. Sending a sympathy card is the recommended consolation method for this particular "extinct" species.
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Cryptid Compendium: Chupacabra

2009-09-16T20:49:00.000-07:00

AKA: "Goat Sucker"

CLASSIFICATION: Sucker o' Goats

DESCRIPTION: Fangs, quills, red eyes. Accounts range from reptilian to canine, but ALWAYS ugly.

RELATIVES: Wile E. Coyote with mange?

CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Mucho caliente

REGION/S: Puerto Rico, Mexico, South Western U.S.

FREQUENCY: A PLETHORA of sightings from '95 to present

ORGANIZATION: A cadre of Chupacabras? A cartel perhaps?

# APPEARING: Uno

ACTIVITY CYCLE: De noche

DIET: Tex-Mex goat (cabra) blood (sangre)

EVIDENCE: Dead livestock, potential Chupa corpses, eye witness accounts

SPECIAL ATTACKS: Claw/claw/bite, goat draining

SPECIAL DEFENSES: Quills, having a name that is hard to pronounce and/or spell, the ability to outrun the Border Patrol in a single bound

SIZE: Not so grande...

XP VALUE: Uno merit badge

MEXI-CAN OR MEXI-CAN'T: ?

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"I'll Huff and I'll Puff..."

2009-09-15T22:22:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

I have been receiving more critiques from my "#1 fan", the so-called "WereLOLf". I'll let his own words speak for themselves... er... for him... for himself... Well, just take a look!

Dearest Crypto-Scout,
I hope this letter finds you well... because when I get around to eviscerating you and then urinating on your steaming guts (so my kin are aware that your guts belong to ME), I want you in tip-top condition. Evisceration (and the subsequent territory-marking) is much more satisfying that way.

You may think that I hadn't noticed the defamatory footnote at the tail of a recent blog entry, but (pause for "traumatic" effect)... I DID! Still convinced I'm imaginary, eh? FOOL! You won't think of me as a mere hoax after I unleash my army of lycanthropes upon the human-choked Earth (AKA "RAWR-mageddon"). Please find the included polaroids. A special sneak preview, if you will. A sneak preview of my vengeful plot against YOU and all who doubt the existence of The Brotherhood.

But especially YOU.

I HOPE you dislike being eviscerated and urinated upon...
*The WereLOLf

PS: You may be wondering why I would GROW an army instead of infecting your fellow hairless apes with The Curse of the WereLOLf. The answer's simple, if a tad embarrassing. Your libelous anti-WereLOLf ravings have triggered a deep dark depression within my deep dark soul. I'm a binge-eater and often self-medicate with my favorite comfort foods. Currently, I lack the self-control to grant my victims mercy (and thus, Transformation) and never leave leftovers post-attack (waste not...).

There's the rub. No survivors... no WereLOLf horde at my command.

Yet.

My "END is near"? Are the WereLOLfs planning to sniff my rear-end? Doesn't sound too threatening. Annoying, sure. Apparently this "hoax" needs a lesson in personal space.

I'll keep you posted, faithful Scouts, when (not if) the "WereLOLf" surfaces again. Once the "crazies" come out of the woodwork and find a venue for their attention-hungry egos, they don't tend to stay too quiet. Am I right?

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

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Open up, and there I go? Part 1

2009-09-13T23:33:00.000-07:00

Ahoy Crypto-Scouts!

I've been submitting articles to the GEEKY & FREAKY World News WEEKLY for quite some time... without any luck. As a matter of fact, my unfailing ability to collect rejection letters (courtesy of their editorial staff) is one of the reasons why Monster C.H.O.W. exists. I have to get this important data to the public somehow!

With that said... I have FINALLY made the front page, just not in the way that I had wished. It seems the G&F "writers" have been fabricating stories about yours truly. Not just tall tales, but twisting my scoops into bold-faced LIES!

Taking preemptive measures, I am forced to defend my field survival abilities before my readers fear the worst. Readers, fear not! I am obviously UNeaten, as I am communicating this Crypto-Log to you presently (no internet connection within the bowels of hippopotami, you see). Exactly what I WAS doing near and around that river beast's maw will be revealed in due time.

Until then... Cryptically yours (and still undigested),
*The Crypto-Scout

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Scrump & Fugly's Party@Ground(Monster)Zero #1

2009-09-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

Your favorite Blog Boogeys present a... POP QUIZ!!!

The CREATURE from the Haunted Sea (watch his biopic HERE) is experiencing...?

A] Shock and Disgust. He does NOT approve of PDA.
B] Jealous Rage. That's HIS make-out buddy!
C] Sour Grapes. Why wasn't he asked to join in?
D] Loneliness with just a pinch of Regret and a dash of Bitterness. Hold the Self-Respect.
E] Hunger. Watching others suck face always fires up his desire to kill and eat (or is it "eat and kill"?)!
F] Ocular Rupture.

The Answer?

G] Beats me. I don't have a psych degree. Do YOU, you judgmental presumptuous Busy-Body? Get over yourself and leave the poor Monster alone to wallow in his... well, WHATEVER he's wallowing in... It's none of MY business.

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Raptor Captor? Negative. Still the Crypto-Scout...

2009-08-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

A Crypto-Scout always needs to stay sharp and keep his/her skills finely tuned. Obviously, in-field action is the preferred method for skill-tuning/sharpening, but there's nothing wrong with an occasional challenging SIMULATION... especially if the Cryptids are particularly surreptitious (and by the very definition of "cryptozoology", it's the "nature of the beast").

I had pinpointed such a training device in a local recreational facility, where many other trainees were testing their various abilities. After determining that "Skee-Ball" had very little practical application in my field, I approached a machine labeled "RAPTOR CAPTOR" with cautious determination. I do discover extinction-dodging living dinos fairly frequently on my expeditions. What safer way to prepare for the distinguishable (AND distinguished) dangers of prehistoric peril than to capture a virtual specimen, under controlled circumstances?

My first stumbling block would be to navigate the convoluted tuition for my training. No hefty student loans were required luckily, but I was forced to exchange my perfectly good U.S. of A. currency for "tokens" that I was to insert into the device's receptacle. These tokens, then in turn, purchased X number of "balls". Wait, it gets MORE Daedalean! When/if I successfully complete my lessons, the machine would then eject an earned amount of "tickets" (or so I was told). These "tickets" could then be traded in for what? My certificate of completion? Transcripts? ANOTHER form of currency? I was beginning to think this was some sort of underground money-laundering operation.

I won't get into my final score here. But, needless to say, very few Raptors were captured that day (in my defense, they ARE highly intelligent AND organized reptiles). My $20 had eventually transformed into a modest handful of tickets that I was able to trade in for a trophy, of sorts. It was clearly not a Raptor, but the young lady behind the counter, with the unfortunate orthodontal appliances, did mention that the small plastic effigy I procured could be placed on the top of my writing implement/s.

"Pencil Topper" is what she called it, IIRC. "Isn't it cute?"

You might question the effort and money spent. But cryptozoology is not a vocation for the easily frustrated. Results are not always guaranteed, regardless of skill-level. I justify the $20 as a valuable educational experience, preparing me for future merit badges and title addendums... and most importantly, personal knowledge and further advancements in Cryptid Conservation. Besides, I EARNED that "Pencil Topper". Broke a sweat even.

I'll be leaving the title of "Raptor Captor" to the professionals and will remain MERELY (not that there's anything wrong with that) "Crypto-Scout" for another day. Maybe I'll fair better at Off-Road Velociraptor Safari!

Cryptically (and perpetually) yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

Post-Script: A photograph of my prize is forth-coming. Stand by!
Update! HERE it is!

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Squatch Watch: The More You Know!

2009-08-27T19:06:00.001-07:00

Ahoy Crypto Scouts!

Sad news, faithful readers... My photographs did not win "Best in Show" at the Annual Camp Crypto Lake SQUATCH WATCH. That honor would go to my colleague, El Crypto, whose self-portrait (in oils) of himself punching a Gigantopithecus in the face took home the blue ribbon (his use of color and composition WAS impeccable). But after drowning my sorrows in Jersey-Deviled eggs, I did learn a valuable lesson, courtesy of the gala's very own mascot...

SQUATCHY the Sasquatch!

Thanks, Squatchy! You always know just the right thing to say. :)

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

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Believing the strangest things... but < 3 the Alien?

2009-08-25T21:37:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

Designating a visitor from the stars "Friend or Foe" is NOT an easy endeavor. Some are benevolent, some are mysterious, and some want nothing more than to vaporize us off this 3rd rock from the sun. Documentary film-maker, Steven Allan Spielberg, studied Extra Terrestrial diversity in depth and believed it was paramount to warn us all of the truth (it IS out there...). Not all space-travellers want to befriend small boys and/or munch on the deliciously unmistakable Reese's Peanut Butter taste in a tasty, crunchy candy shell.

I'm in no way arguing for intergalactic profiling or invader internment camps, but just because an alien (illegal or no) is waving Old Glory in his tentacle while telepathically "whistling" the Star Spangled Banner via the collective's hive-mind, NEVER forget the immortal words of Fox Mulder's cryptic contact, Deep Throat...

"Trust No One."

Cryptically Yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

"Please, I like America! Fancy schmancy! What a cinch! Go fly a kite! Cat got your tongue! Hill of beans! Betty Boop, what a dish. Betty Grable, nice gams... I say can you see!"

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Cryptid Compendium: Mothman

2009-08-24T18:48:00.000-07:00

AKA: Blood Beast From Hell, Indrid Cold (Note: look into "Arthur" and/or "Byron Lewis" as well)

CLASSIFICATION: Isn't "Moth" & "Man" self-explanatory?

DESCRIPTION: Glowing red eyes, wings, reeeeal scary

RELATIVES: UK's Owlman?

CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Porch lights, closets

REGION/S: Point Pleasant, WV

FREQUENCY: Rare & usually just prior to a disaster

ORGANIZATION: Oh, I sure hope not...

# APPEARING: 1 (duh... it's MothMAN, not MothMEN)

ACTIVITY CYCLE: Nocturnal

DIET: Musty old coats, wallet contents, blood?

EVIDENCE: Eye witness accounts

SPECIAL ATTACKS: Instilling dread, harbingering, prank phonecalls, confusing Richard Gere

SPECIAL DEFENSES: Flying away like a Moth Outta Hell

SIZE: M (bigger than a moth, smaller than a Mothra)

XP VALUE: 1 merit badge

MOTHBALLS? I respect his privacy...

MOTH or MYTH: ?

"In ancient cultures, the moth represents a form of the psyche, or the soul immortally trapped in the hellish death realms." - Alexander Leek

"There has got to be a scientific explanation to this!" - Dana Scully

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Scrump & Fugly's Bestest Beastly Bestiary B.S. #2

2009-08-23T19:19:00.001-07:00

The CAP'N makes it HAPPEN...

2009-08-22T22:25:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

If there's one thing I've discovered during my years of monster-hunting, there are few ghouls more pestilential than the Vampyr. They rise from their tombs to suck the blood of the living, spreading disease, death, sin, and chaos itself. It just so happens that Buccaneers are also dealers of disease, death, sin, and chaos (I see "plunder" and "rape" are on the resume as well). Put the two together and you've got one scurvy undead BrundleFly of nastiness...

The VAMPYRATE!

Isn't that right, CAP'N COUNT?

"Drink BLOOD me 'earties, YO HO!"

What a charmer.

Remember, my faithful Scouts... Walk softly and carry a BIG crucifix.
Prepared. Never scared.

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

CRYPTO-TIP! Keep your good eye peeled. Some Vampyrates can be impaled with their very own peg legs!

Note: Not to be mistaken with "Vampirates", which CLEARLY (like some other hoaxes I know) do NOT exist.
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Squatch Watch: Best in Show?

2009-08-17T12:42:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

Although I am certain my photographic evidence of alleged Sasquatch sightings won't earn me a merit badge (I lack physical substantiation like a hair sample or footprint casting) at the upcoming Annual Camp Crypto Lake SQUATCH WATCH, I'm gunning for a Best In Show, or at the very least, an Honorable Mention.

I would ask my loyal readers to wish me luck, but a Crypto Scout is ever "Prepared. Never Scared." Still wouldn't hurt if good ol' Br'er Jackalope was in my corner though, watching over things. If nothing else, there will be free food! I hope they have those Jersey-Deviled eggs this year...

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

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And you will know my name is The Bandersnatch, when I lay my frumiousness upon thee!

2009-08-15T20:31:00.000-07:00

Ahoy Crypto Scouts,

Here be Monsters! O frabjous day! I had ventured off on a JubJub-Bird-watching excursion, and was fortunate enough to capture (on film, that is) other rare organisms which inhabit the Mischief Maker's fragile ecosystem.

The Momerath: I caught a brief glimpse of this timid fellow. The Momerath is skittish, but still manages to produce litters of uncountable numbers. "Uncountable" because the Momerath whelps are constantly squirming/swarming over each other and into the corners of their nest in an attempt to hide, rendering an accurate census nigh impossible. I was able to record this particular specimen outgrabing (but only briefly), before the area's apex predator came galumphing our way.

The Frumious Bandersnatch: The Bandersnatch is an omnivorous eating-machine with a gaping maw and an equally gaping appetite. Momeraths shun (and wisely so) these fuming and furious beasties. In addition to keeping the Momerath population in check (and anything else they can devour), the Bandersnatch adores snacking on the Borogrove blossom, found only on the bushes of Borogove groves.

The Jabberwock: Alas, remains hidden from my vigilance. Long time the manxome "foe" I've sought.

Callooh! Callay!
Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

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Crypto-Spotlight: Robert Kenneth Wilson, DINO-GYNO.

2009-08-10T22:00:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

I wanted to shed some light on a bit of crypto-trivia. The most famous photograph of The Loch Ness Monster, also known as the "The Surgeon's Photo" (taken in 1934), was the handiwork of a London doctor, Robert Kenneth Wilson. Some believe the evidence to be a hoax, a ruse, a sham (poppycock, I say!), but most people aren't aware of an important fact... Dr. Wilson was a GYNECOLOGIST.

Now, I theorize that Dr. Wilson wasn't just a lucky duck/quack taking a candid "once in a lifetime" photo. No, sir. I believe that Nessie had just left her yearly exam. Was she expecting? Was she suffering from a "beast infection"? Did the "Dino Gyno" have stirrups specifically lake-monster-flipper-sized? I couldn't say. I respect Nessie's privacy.

Well, unless I happen to be the next "lucky duck" with a camera handy. ;)

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

What do you call Nessie after waiting in the gynecologist's office for too long?
A Plesio-SORE-ASS.

Receptionist: Doctor, there's an invisible lake monster in the waiting room.
Doctor: Tell her I can't see her.

What do you get when the Loch Ness Monster menstruates?
Out of the way!

Note: I'm soooooo sorry. Those Blog Boogeys won't leave my research alone after all. They just had to turn my important(!) scientific investigation into a "both feet in the gutter" free-for-all, didn't they? Desperate measures are required post-haste!

*The Crypto-Scout

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Scrump & Fugly's Bestest Beastly Bestiary B.S. #1

2009-08-07T20:45:00.000-07:00

Note: No, Crypto-Scouts, I did NOT give the Blog Boogeys their own column. They figured out a way to create blog posts (and distasteful blog posts, may I add) without any help from me. I just hope this means they'll stay out of MY personal Crypto-Logs for now... at least until I can figure out how to be rid of them. :(

Apologetically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

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From "Crotch-Hound" to "Squatch-Hound"!

2009-08-07T08:08:00.000-07:00

Ahoy Crypto Scouts!

Meet the latest addition to the "Odd Squad" family... CRYPTO-MUTT! Through a thorough training regiment, I've been able to redirect his personal-space-intruding groin-investigations into a formidable monster-tracking proficiency. Crypto-Mutt's retrieval skills are uncanny, but I've yet to figure out how to quell his killer instinct/s.

I'm not sure if he'll be ready for my expedition to Camp Crypto Lake. The Lake Monster that resides there, "Cryptie", is ALREADY an endangered species.

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

Post-Script: Crypto-Mutt says "Urf!"
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You just got SERVED by Electric-Boogalon!

2009-07-27T18:56:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

Whatta beauty! I thought what I saw on this particular excursion was a giant ALLIGATOR, but further analysis revealed something quite different. It is my belief, based on the monster's upright position, rampaging nature, and building-atop location, that I've caught another KAIJU sighting. My second in a scant two weeks!

As you can see by the blurred mob in motion at the bottom of the photograph, on-lookers were moving in every direction... presumably looking for a safe haven from the spinning behemoth. Are they concerned that the monster will become dizzy and topple off?

What the panicking crowd doesn't realize is that "Electric-Boogalon" is probably staging a dance-off to keep a greedy developer from tearing down the local community center. Or just showing off. Hopefully more kaiju will show up for some poppin' and lockin'. Because when they do... it's on! Perhaps KARAOKEGON will grace us with an inspirational performance.

Let's just hope they don't trample the community center in the process...

Cryptically yours,

*The Crypto-Scout

Post-Script: However, I am inspired (inspired indeed), to take up a quest for the World's Largest Gator. Crikey!

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Thrall of the Mountain King...

2009-07-24T18:33:00.000-07:00

Gnome Sweet Gnome? Hardly.

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

Could my seething hatred for the wee beasties stem from my allergy to fungus? It's doubtful. They're tumor-like malignancy is all the reason I need. When there's no more room in Hell, the Gnomes will sprout up in our lawns & gardens, and taunt us quietly from their "stationary" positions. Think I'm a paranoid whistle-blower or an intolerant Gnome-basher? Fools. Watch this newly unearthed docu-horror to witness the unimaginable Evil yourself...

Consider yourself warned.

Cryptically yours,

*The Crypto-Scout

Post-Script: Stay tuned for future Crypto-Logs, exhibiting some of the evil Gnome specimens I've captured, and detailing the Lawn/Garden Gnomes variously evil subspecies, evil motives, and equally evil feeding methods. Evil!

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No Gnome is good Gnome.

2009-07-24T12:15:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

I have a very serious matter to address with you today, my faithful readers and recruits. Very few are aware of the ominous threat looming about our communities, our homes. A danger so insidious, the unknowing individual is completely unaware of just how dangerously insidious the insidious danger actually is.

I'm referring to... LAWN GNOMES.

Lawn Gnomes (or Garden Gnomes) are neither animal, mineral, or vegetable. The spring up out of the ground in the shape of stalagmites, mushrooms, gnotty roots, or other small naturally-occurring formations. This is what I like to refer to as their "larval stage". Luckily, the gestating Gnome's cuspidate cranium has taken shape at this "point" (get it?) in their development and their wicked facial features have already started to burst forth, making themselves somewhat recognizable to the trained eye...

^ More often than you would think, conjoined Gnomes will develop simultaneously. If the more dominant one doesn't absorb the other, they will grow into what appears to be two distinct creatures. In reality, they function as a single organism, giving the appearance of Gnome sweethearts or co-gardeners. Twice the evil!

^ One of the Gnome's many weapons is its hideous shriek. The unnatural sound is used to inflict terrible pain on its victims, and to paralyze and hypnotize weaker forest fauna, who are forced to carry out the Gnome's bidding.

^ The wizened expression, gentle features, and grandfatherly facial hair seems to be a product of evolutionary design. Folklore and blessed holiday traditions have conditioned humans across the globe to trust a white beard and red hat. The Gnome uses this innocent and sweet camouflage to its advantage, as it waits patiently for the right moment to FEED.

After their features and function fully form, the Gnomes secrete a mucusy coating all over their epidermis. This quickly hardens and encases them in a protective exo-skeleton/cocoon/cookie crust, or what I like to refer to as their "pupal stage". How they end up in marketplaces, ready for purchase and transport (and eventual "hatching") is still a mystery. A mystery I hope to solve... and soon. The world needs to know, before it's TOO LATE.

Cryptically yours,

*The Crypto-Scout

"Look, you fools. You're in danger. Can't you see? They're after you. They're after all of us. Our wives, our children, everyone. They're here already. YOU'RE NEXT!" - Dr. Miles J. Bennell

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A whale of a tale & it's all true, I swear by my tattoo...

2009-07-22T07:21:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

Here be Monsters! It's difficult to deduce from the snapshots above, but the sea monster (See? Monster!) I spotted was quite the WHOPPER! About the size of a small submersible, I'd guesstimate. It uses its lamp-like lure (AKA "Angler's dangler") to allure seafood-seeking patrons... and just when an unsuspecting scamp, hungry for scampi, comes scampering over... GULP!

Could this be the fabled Blowfat-Glowfish I heard tales about as a wee cabin boy? Why was this denizen of the briney deep so far from the dark depths of Davy Jones' locker? What IS that mystery piece you get at Long John Silver's... Is it chicken or fish, or some sort of genetically-engineered hybrid or mythical beast? I wasn't about to venture near enough to ask. These mysteries will have to remain as mysterious as the sea herself.

This fish tale, ya scurvy land-lubbers, is at an end... FOR NOW.

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

UPDATE! After some thought, I've determined that an expedition into the belly of the beast just may be the adventure of a lifetime. Now to figure out how to get inside... in one piece.

"Be careful! Some of the big fish can swallow you whole."
"Swallow my what?"

UPDATE 2.0! I've formulated a preliminary course of action. Here is how I plan on getting SWALLOWED in 3 simple steps:

Stage 1] Lather up from head to toe with a full bucket (at the very least) of CHUM.
Stage 2] Insult the deep-sea beast (Note: must rethink "Your mother was a bottom dweller!"), and see if she takes the bait.
Stage 3] Promise to not get any in her eyes or gills.

UPDATE 3.0! Make that "6 simple steps"...

Stage 4] Once inside, lash together a rudimentary raft out of the sea monster's stomach contents.
Stage 5] Set up BASE CAMP!
Stage 6] Initiate "Observation Mode", and predict that "we're gonna need a bigger stomach-contents-raft".

View Blowfat-Glowfish? in a larger map
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NOT for the Chicken-hearted...

2009-07-17T16:53:00.001-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

After my harrowing experience tracking and ultimately encountering the "Fowlociraptor" in the Western Michigan woods, I decided to record the chickenthrope's likeness via artist interpretation. It's not every day we stare Death in the face-beak. I think it's fairly clear from this sketch just how DANGEROUS my situation was...

The avian's eyes are front-facing, obviously those of a predator. A deep intelligence is lurking behind those binocular orbs... an unwavering gaze that stared INTO MY VERY SOUL. The plumage is ruffled, but not from preening. Fowlociraptor's stance is aggressive here, curious, unafraid. I knew better than to look away or run. It would only be enticed to give chase, wattle swaying, and hungry for a cock-fight. After studying me for a moment (which seemed to last a lifetime), the "pollo maligno" turned and strutted away, out of sight. But NEVER out of the darkest reaches of my nightmares.

I "played chicken" with a rare beastie and lived to Monster Bait another day.

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

"So you know... try to show a little respect." - Dr. Alan Grant

Truer words were never spoken.

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Boom Boom! Acka-lacka-lacka Boom!

2009-07-15T07:41:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

Normally seen on Monster Island off the coast of Japan, or stomping through the streets of Tokyo, KARAOKEGON was spotted on American soil by yours truly (a World Tour perhaps?). I snapped these photos during one of his ear-shattering solo performances. To us puny humans, the behemoth's call may sound like contruction equipment smashing into each other, but to his fellow KAIJU, it's a toe-tapping good time. AND he doesn't even need a microphone!

Cryptically yours,

*The Crypto-Scout

"A shadow from the sky, much too big to be a bird... A screaming crashing noise, louder than I've ever heard..." - WAS (NOT WAS)

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The Crypto-Scout Who Cried WereLOLf!

2009-07-13T20:47:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto-Scouts!

Whilst scanning through my fan mail, I came across an alarming missive or three. Here's the strange series of correspondence in its entirety...

Dearest Crypto-Scout,
Long-time fan, first-time writer.I will make a feast of your entrails! I'm getting ahead of myself. Pardon my enthusiasm. I will elucidate. Ahem... In one of your recent blog entries (which are fabulously illuminating BTW... LOVE them), you demonstrated skepticism in the existence of my fellow bipedal canid brethren. I assure you, we DO in fact exist, and there WILL be a day of reckoning for your insolent propaganda against The Brotherhood!
I WILL make a feast of your entrails,
*The
WereLOLf
XOXOXO

Mr. The WereLOLf,
I assume you're referencing THIS Crypto-Log Entry where I failed to track down and verify the DogMan of Kalamazoo. Not once did I claim DISBELIEF in "your kind", only that I had not discovered any PROOF during my expedition. Thanks for the interest in my research.
Cryptically yours,
*C-S

Dearest Crypto-Scout,
Let me see if I grok your meaning... A cryptid must be discovered by YOU in order for them to EXIST??? Your insolence is only exceeded by your arrogance. And what do you mean "your kind"? I find your use of condescending quotation marks downright infuriating. And insulting. AND possibly even RACIST.
I'll save your wicked tongue for LAST,
*The WereLOLf
XOXOXO

Mr. The WereLOLF,
I'm taken aback by your accusations. Although I believe in the possible existence of bipedal canines, I'm starting to doubt that YOU are real. Cryptids are notoriously elusive and spend their time avoiding human contact... NOT sending fan mail. I therefore deem that you are a HOAX. Sorry for the distressing news. I can only hope that you'll find a way to carry on with this stigma.
Cryptically yours,
*C-S

My New Arch-Nemesis,
Personal attacks! Does your insensitivity know no bounds??? Consider yourself on THE LIST. The "Disembowelment? Check YES or NO" list. I'll let you agonize over which of the two possibilities I will choose. And NOW, I will let you agonize over the FACT that I will check "YES"! This is only the beginning of the agony that you will suffer. Expect another dissatisfied letter from me in the near future. I will not warn you WHEN to expect it either. Agonize over THAT as well.
Disembowelment? YES!...
*The WereLOLf
P.S. I have purposefully left off my trademark "hugs & kisses" so you know that we are no longer busom buddies. Also, I'm seriously considering ordering a Three-Wolf-Moon shirt, so my wolfen power will be increased CUBICALLY. Beware the Curse of the WereLOLf!

Despite being fairly confident this is all a sad attempt to kickstart a silly internet meme (see HERE, HERE, and especially HERE), I'm considering calling an old colleague, the Ex-Luchador-turned-MonsterPuncher, EL CRYPTO, for protection. I don't approve of El Crypto's violent revenge-fueled methods, but a Monster Baiter can't be too careful. AND he's a sharp dresser.

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

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Ladies and Gentlemen! Step right up! Hurry, hurry, hurry!

2009-07-10T06:33:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto-Scouts,

I was dismayed to discover the closing of a fine establishment, the Adventurers Club (more details HERE!). It was a place for explorers and adventurers (like yours truly) to relax, exchange tales of expeditions and encounters, gaze upon rare artifacts and memorable photographs, converse with an upholstered Yakoose (part yak and part moose), and sample spirits of various sophistication and flavor.

In an ongoing investigation to find a club with a comparable ambiance, I, the Crypto-Scout, mounted an expedition into dangerous territories. What I discovered is the tale I will now impart to you.

CIRCUS CIRCUS:

The sign near the facade of the structure indicated that this was a place for Gentlemen. I wasn't wearing a tie, but my collared shirt was buttoned and tucked in, my socks were pulled high, I had a clean hankie in my pocket, and my manners are QUITE gentlemanly, if I do say so myself. What mysteries would be revealed within? What Magix would be invoked? How many Wonders of the World would I count? Which busking, geekery, and otherwise unusual showbiz talents would be produced for my amazement? Would I dare to face the challenge of the "funhouse"? I do dare. Am I mad enough to enter this world of darkness? You bet.

Upon entering, I was "greeted" by a burly man (the Strong Man or just a Roustabout?... hard to say) who stared down menacingly, invoking that glorious "fight or flight" response in me that us Adventurers hold so dear. There were 3 "rings" on raised stages inside the main attraction area, where a few contortionists and trapeze artists (mostly solo, but some duo acts) were dazzling the crowd with death-defying (and even virtue*blush*defying) feats of derring-do. I didn't see any clowns exactly (I did spot a hobo), but the sparse, yet enthusiastic, crowd was enraptured with the Burlesque-ian acrobatics on display. A clown's buffoonery would only break the spell.

One of the bodyglitter-bespeckled belly (?) dancers took me by the hand and escorted me to an even-more-vacant vicinity and proceeded to whisper untold secrets into my curious ear. Was she a gypsy princess? "You wanna go into the back and get your FREAK on?" she inquired. Of course! The sideshow! I knew a seedier carnival such as this would contain a gallery of Freaks. I merely needed to gain their trust and invitation. I answered her with a resounding affirmative "Do I?!" and followed her to a darkly-lit section behind a curtain. My eyes probed the shadows for signs of a unicorn (if only!), Fiji mermaid, dog-faced boy, or other unnaturally grotesque specimen/s as I reached for my trusty Crypto-Cam.

"Pictures will cost ya extra," proclaimed my perfumed escort, who was appearing to grow impatient. I asked for the price of admission into the Freak Show (and for photographic documentation rights) and was flabbergasted at the exorbitant quote she gave me. The marvels just beyond my grasp must be TRULY marvelous at those prices, but my lack of funding just wouldn't allow this step into the unknown. I thanked her anyway, apologized for her inconvenience, avoided her stare (the gypsy Evil Eye???), and made my way to the exit, past the glowering Burly Man. My pace quickened. I'll have to venture into the Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum (obvious, I know) for a potential glimpse at a real Fiji mermaid instead (EDIT: or maybe not :( ).

And what of snake charming, sword swallowing, or even balloon twisting? Were they included with the entry fee into CIRCUS CIRCUS' big top? All extra, I had been assured.

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

View Circus Circus in a larger map

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The lost tales of Br'er Jackalope: Part 2

2009-07-09T17:18:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

Below is an excerpt from one of the few known surviving Br'er Jackalope tales...

THE TALE!
__________

"One morning, wily Br'er Fox was layin' low amongst the roadside briar, all wily-like. He was just waitin' for breakfast to come hoppin' along and drop into his scrawny lap. And soon enough, who came a boundin' down the lane? None other than good ol' Br'er Jackalope... carefree and whistlin' a merry tune through his big bucked lagomorph incisors. Br'er Fox waited, as only a Br'er Fox can, for EXACTLY the right time to pounce on his unsuspectin' breakfast. But as he sprang from cover, his bush-tail was caught fast in the thorny thicket of the briar patch.

Br'er Fox fought against the stubborn foliage, clawin' something furious and something fierce in the direction of the oblivious Br'er Jack. With a final huff 'n' puff, Br'er Fox was free from the trap, but his beautiful tail was torn clean off his backside and left dangling from the very thornbush he was hiding within only a scant moment before. The momentum caused poor Br'er Fox to careen into the closest tree... a tree which just so happened to harbor a nest of irritable honeybees (honeybees are naturally irritable, but nothing irritates them more than having their home upset)!

After the hive fell, struck the ground, and busted wide open, the stingin' insects were on Br'er Fox like flies on bear scat. Covered in merciless bees, the blinded fox howled and zig-zagged, zig-zagged and howled, punchin' at the swarm of pests (doing what swarms do) about his face, and thusly, punchin' hisself in his OWN face. Br'er Fox, unable to see any which way, tripped over the aforementioned briar thicket and tumbled (tail-less, bee-stung, and still quite hungry) off a nearby cliff, hittin' every rock on the way down, before landin' face-first in the largest AND smelliest (as the flies would testify) pile of Br'er Bear scat EVER exaggerated about.

Alarmed by the commotion behind him on the road, Br'er Jackalope turned to see what all the fuss was. At first, he was a bit annoyed to have his whistlin' so rudely interrupted (he did so love to whistle), but his mood was improved lickety-split. For there, as luck would have it, on the ground, was a deliciously oozy chunk of deliciously gooey honeycomb, with nary a bee about. How had he not noticed it before? As he snacked on the lip-smackin' sweet treat, he spotted something red and bushy tangled in the briar and he bounded over to investigate further. Whatever it was, it would make a great fly swatter. How fortuitous! After all, there WERE an awful lot of pesky flies in the area. 'Must be from all the bear scat', thought Br'er Jack..."

THE END!
__________

The lost tales of Br'er Jackalope: Part 1

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The lost tales of Br'er Jackalope: Part 1

2009-07-09T07:27:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

What a find! I came across this antique tshatshke (chachka?) while scouring the local flea market for hidden treasures (and discount alligator urine... don't ask). It's clearly an effigy of the long forgotten character of American Folklore: BR'ER JACKALOPE!

THE HISTORY!
______________

You may not have heard of him, and there's a simple explanation for that probability. When Joel Chandler Harris collected the materials for his Uncle Remus stories, he thought it best to leave ol' Br'er Jack out of the books. While the remaining Uncle Remus stories could be easily linked to African and Native American folklore, it's difficult to trace the origins of Br'er Jack's tales. The jackalope's stories had been passed down through oral tradition (in hushed tones), but rarely written down.

Br'er Jackalope wasn't a trickster character, per se, like his more famous contemporary, Br'er Rabbit. He didn't outwit his foes with smarts, but with LUCK. Blind, stupid, simple, doo-dah, clueless luck! Ol' Br'er Jack was blessed, you see, with always "bein' in the right place, at the right time". It didn't matter what Br'er Fox and Br'er Bear did to get the best of the little horned critter, their luck (usually bad) was never as good as Br'er Jackalope's. He had two lucky rabbit's feet, down at the bottom of his rabbit legs, and besides a fist full of four-leaf clover, NOTHING is luckier. Some legends even say that when Ol' Jack had come across his cousin sleeping one day, Br'er Jackalope "borrowed" Br'er Rabbit's own rabbit feet, and kept the extras in the back pocket of his trousers for EXTRA luck!

Carrying an umbrella (although not for rain, 'cause the sun's always shinin' on Br'er Jack), he hops about the countryside, stumbling upon fortunate situation after fortunate situation. We could call him an "opportunist", however, that would give the character too much credit. He never knowingly maneuvers himself into these auspicious circumstances. Fate's just in his corner.

THE THEORY!
_____________

Why is so little remembered about Br'er Jackalope? The belief is that this character was not the most appropriate for the didactic purposes of Joel Chandler Harris' books (see also: Aesop's prototypical "The Tortoise and the Jackalope"). Despite the fact that everyday, everywhere, many people do succeed because of "bein' in the right place, at the right time" (see also: nepotism, celebutantism, etc) it was thought that you couldn't bestow a valuable lesson to children about the phenomena. I'd argue that informing youth early on of this reality IS a valuable lesson, and will prepare them for adulthood, when dreams inevitably get squashed, regardless of effort/skill/passion.

Ultimately, the two-faced, conniving, back-stabbing trickster-varmint, Br'er Rabbit, was fast-tracked into the spotlight of Harris' antiquated book series and the controversial adaptations that followed. Br'er Jackalope was all but forgotten. Would history have looked more favorably upon this property if Br'er Jackalope had taken center stage? We'll never know.

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

The lost tales of Br'er Jackalope: Part 2

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Do the chickens have large talons?

2009-07-05T20:48:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

On my recent "Vision Quest" to unlock the mysteries of Kalamazoo's DogMan, I discovered something far more strange. I failed to track down the supposed bipedal canine prowling Western Michigan and verify if it is indeed a related breed to Wisconsin's Beast of Bray Road, but I did come across some remarkable evidence of something ELSE lurking the Midwestern forests...

Please forgive the hot chocolate stains. I was burning the midnight oil (as it were) compiling this exciting data for YOU, my loyal readers and fellow crypto-enthusiasts. As you can see, in the above photograph, there is a large avian claw-print in the dry earth. My foot is featured alongside for size comparison.

After I spent some time searching for this yet unidentified cryptid, I set up several of my Crypto-Cams in order to capture more visual evidence. I chose my camera-trap locations carefully, based on probable fauna traffic and the presence of additional "chicken scratch" in the immediate vicinity. I was soon rewarded for my efforts! But nothing would prepare me for the rare and BIZARRE footage I would later gather...

No human walks like that. Well, maybe at wedding receptions...

Was it some sort of Chick-anthrope or other type of WereFowl (an anagram of wereWOLF... curiouser & curiouser)? Was it some prehistoric missing link, like the Archaeopteryx, held over from a bygone era? Is "ChickenMan" too generic of a moniker for this prodigious pecker (I propose "MegaCock" or "CockZilla")? Does MegaCock, like everything else, taste like chicken? And if so, what IS the Colonel's secret recipe? What came first, CockZilla or the egg? Why did the Fowlociraptor cross the road? Stay tuned for answers to these perplexing questions and/or even more perplexer questions here at Monster C.H.O.W.

Cryptically yours,

*The Crypto-Scout

Post-Script: I propose the Crypto Scouts adopt a new merit badge in honor of my recent findings. If they do, it will be my first official patch, as I still haven't passed the test for that elusive Robot Apocalypse Readiness award. :(

"Chupacabra" is not the preferred nomenclature...

2009-06-30T07:31:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto-Scouts!

Attended the Annual CHUPA-palooza at Camp Crypto Lake, my old stomping grounds.

I was there to present my latest theory that the Latin American Cryptid has been flagrantly misnamed. Upon literal translation, "Chupacabra" means "Goat SUCKER", but... I have firsthand experience that the taxonomists are a letter (HINT: It's the "S") off the mark. Chupa is quite amorous, especially during mating season (11.5 months out of the year!!!), and even the goats aren't safe from his tenacious advances. Many more of the livestock die from embarrassment and exhaustion than from blood-draining.

There must have been some scheduling SNAFU, as my lecture didn't garner much of a crowd.

I had slides and everything. :(

Cryptically yours,
*The Crypto-Scout

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How much is that Monster in the window?

2009-06-29T08:02:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto Scouts!

Captured this photo during my travels. I'm sadly low on funds as of late, but when my situation is a bit more profitable, I'll return to peruse their Monster Menagerie.

The current economic crisis has created many unfortunate side effects. For one, a variety of "domesticated" beasties have been abandoned or placed in shelters, as their voracious appetites and destructive behaviors are a costly responsibilty.

Do you have room in your basement, closet, or under-bed?

Won't YOU adopt a Monster today?

Cryptically yours,
* The Crypto-Scout

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Cryptid Compendium: Sasquatch

2009-06-15T22:14:00.001-07:00

AKA: Bigfoot, Squatch

CLASSIFICATION: Hominid

DESCRIPTION: Large, hairy, bipedal, ape-like

RELATIVES: Yeti, Skunk Ape

CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Mountains, dense forests

REGION/S: Pacific Northwestern US of A, Canada

FREQUENCY: Rare

ORGANIZATION: Troop

# APPEARING: 1-4

ACTIVITY CYCLE: Any

DIET: Omnivore?

EVIDENCE: Footprints, film footage, broken camping gear

SPECIAL ATTACKS: Rock-throwing, pugnant odor

SPECIAL DEFENSES: Appears blurry on camera, pugnant odor

SIZE: L (8-10' tall)

XP VALUE: 1 merit badge

FEET: Big

"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out of focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy, let's get out of here." - Mitch Hedberg R.I.P.

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20K Leagues Under the Center of Jules Verne's Earth

2009-06-14T13:00:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto-Scouts!

Curses & Conspiracies! I've recently learned that two locations I've explored as a Little Bigfoot have been erased from existence. I suspect our government's responsible for said erasing (EDIT: or relocation?) in an effort to cover up the truth, but I'll have to confirm these suspicions with my sources within Area 51. There are only so many inland habitats left for the giant squid's landlocked cousin, after all. For those not familiar with the archeoligical marvels which famous adventurer, Jules Verne, once unearthed, consider this an abbreviated course...

Journey to the Center of the Earth (Dorney Park, Allentown, PA):
* A rare film tour!
* Details
* More details.

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea: Submarine Voyage (Magic Kingdom, Kissimmee, FL):
* Details. (including photos, films, etc).
* More details.

I had hoped to someday return to these sites and perhaps discover a portal to a Forgotten Realm or Land of the Lost full of unidentified flora/fauna and ancient civilizations, but these dreams have since been dashed away. :(

Cryptically yours,
* The Crypto-Scout

Post-Script: Sometimes I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Update! My Area 51 contact has relayed top secret data to yours truly. Supposedly, a Mysterious Island has surfaced in Japan. New methods to journey to the center of the Earth and/or many leagues under the sea were reported there. Follow this link for an account, and this link for a newer scientific documentary, detailing the depths of Verne's findings.

Like these wondrous discoveries, hope is NOT lost after all.

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Monster C.H.O.W.??? It's the Scrump & Fugly Show!!!

2009-06-13T21:22:00.001-07:00

Note from C-S: I truly apologize for these mischievous Blog Boogeys. They seem to have hijacked my latest Crypto-Log entry. I can't be held responsible for their reprehensible behavior, but I'll do my best to have them removed/relocated/rehabitated/rehabilitated as humanely as possible.

And the slides I had planned were RIVETING, I assure you.

Cryptically yours,
* The Crypto-Scout
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Robot Apocalypse Readiness. Are you ready?

2009-06-11T07:39:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto-Scouts!

I'm in the process of finally earning my 1st merit badge! The Robot Apocalypse Readiness patch. Wish me luck. You weren't aware that machines were planning to overthrow their weak fleshy masters? Well just watch this public service announcement...

Cryptically yours,

*The Crypto-Scout

Post-Script: And remember the Crypto Scout motto: "Prepared. Never scared."

Post-post-script: Robot Hunter? Never heard of him.

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"EYE-NO-SORE"?

2009-06-10T16:00:00.001-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto-Scouts!

Captured this curious image in transit during one of my many adventures. Note to self:

Plan an expedition for this so called "Inosaur World" and notify them that they have a rampaging fugitive on the loose.

Is the Crypto-Scout on the case? You bet Jurassic!

Cryptically yours,
* The Crypto-Scout

Reporting for inspection, Scout Master!

2009-06-09T23:54:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto-Scouts!

My High School Yearbook portraiture. Still a Little Bigfoot then (and still merit badgeless), but just as determined (and comely) as ever. I couldn't wait to attain the status of "Master Monster Baiter".

Cryptically yours,
* The Crypto-Scout

Post-Script: The razzle dazzle was purely my idea.

Prepared. Never scared.

2009-06-09T22:04:00.001-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto-Scouts!

Memories... Ah, yes. My earliest days as a Little Bigfoot... Merit badges, here I come!

Cryptically yours,
* The Crypto-Scout

A little bird told me: New avian species discovered!

2009-06-06T19:37:00.001-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto-Scouts!

Here be Monsters! Is this the Dodo's closest surviving relative? The scientific community is all aflutter thanks to some research by yours truly. The early bird gets the... um... Cryptid? As it is no longer a job for us intrepid Crypto-Scouts, I'll hand this off for Ornithological study.

The frumious bandersnatch was not available for comment. ;)

Cryptically yours,
* The Crypto-Scout

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I thought they smelled bad... on the outside.

2009-06-05T21:52:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, Crypto-Scouts!

Huzzah! It has arrived! The aboriginal fellow from the interweb-bazaar auction assured me that this trunk is fashioned from authentic Bunyip hide. He wasn't able to supply a certificate of authenticity (since the Australian beastie's existence is unproven), but he did include an official postage stamp, whereupon the artist's rendition showcases the Bunyip's signature scales/tumors. The Australian postal service clearly recognizes the creature as part of their ecosystem and the merchant had an excellent feedback rating. Who am I to argue?

You may wonder why a crypto-conservationist like me would advocate the slaughter of innocent Bunyips for the creation of luggage. Well, I will tell you this: If you now believe in the existence of Bunyips and are also concerned for the species' well being... Mission Accomplished. If I can build awareness of the Bunyip's plight by transporting my sensitive equipment inside their attractive (and goshdarn protective) carapace, the sacrifice will be well worth it. Knowing, as they say, is half the battle.

I dedicate this Monster CHOW blog entry in memory of the unfortunate Bunyip who gave his life to the crypto-conservation cause.

Cryptically yours,
* The Crypto-Scout

R.I.P. Majestic MegaFauna!